Mayhem and Motherhood

Yes It's True...Your Kids Lie

All kids lie.  If you don't believe that, then you're an idiot and your head is buried so far in the sand that your brain is oxygen deprived.  Hey, I'm the first to admit my girls lied when they were growing up.  My son is still a work in progress but he is certainly carrying on his sisters' traditions with just as much flair. 

Oh yeah, I know, your precious little darlings would never lie to you because you are raising them with an "open line of communication."  Oh, and they tell you about EVERYTHING they are doing and EVERYONE they hang out with.  HAHAHAHAHA.. you are so gullible.  Look, the fact is that for every one thing your kids tell you that they are doing, there are ten things they're not telling you about.  So why not have some fun with it.  Catch'em.

My absolute favorite "gotcha" story is about our oldest.  She was 13 and had been invited to spend the night with a friend.  They were going to the movies to see "Meet Joe Black" which was rated PG-13.  At least that was the story.  So the weekend goes by without a hitch.  On Tuesday, my husband is checking the pockets of my daughter's jeans when he comes across a movie ticket stub.  And guess what.... it ain't for Meet Joe Black.  Yup, it's for an R rated movie of which I cannot remember the name.  But that's irrelevant.  The rule in our house was no R-rated movies.  Period. 

Oh, baby, this was gonna' be fun.  I was so excited, I was giddy.  That night, after all of the softball practice, cheerleading practice and soccer practice, we sat down at the table to eat dinner.  About half way through the meal, my husband asked my daughter how the movie was Saturday night.  OK, now this girl is good....but not that good.  She starts reeling off the trailer of Meet Joe Black.  So I say, "Yes, we know all of that, but why did Brad Pitt's character hang around with Anthony Hopkins's character."  She stuttered a bit and then my husband goes in for the kill.  "Well maybe you can't answer because you didn't see Meet Joe Black..you saw (and he said the name of the R movie) instead." And he pulled out the movie ticket stub.

Ha....GOTCHA'.  You could have bought her for a nickel.  She was speechless for about 30 seconds.  Then she put down her fork, looked at both of us and said, "I'll be in my room.  Just let me know how long I'm grounded.  I'd like to go ahead and get it over with." 

She was grounded for a week.

AAAHHHH....Victory is sweet.

Lisa

Kids....Sometimes Ya Just Wanna'...

Have you ever been in a situation where your child hurts themselves by doing something that is sooo stupid you don't know whether to be glad they're not hurt badly or yell at them for doing something so idiotic.  When my 19 year old daughter Grace was 7, she walked into the house and informed me that she was going to get some pickles and go outside.  Now this is my "advanced" child.  Meaning that she was in advanced classes all through school, never had problems with homework, etc.  So I was rather confident and happy that she was able to do this on her own since I was in the middle of lassoing her 2 year old brother who was naked and jumping from the top of the stair into a major pile of pillows he had collected at the bottom.

Well, it wasn't five minutes later that I received a phone call from a mother down the street.  "Lisa, Grace has had an accident and has glass stuck in both hands and is bleeding."  Now, the tone of this statement was odd and almost accusatory as if to say what kind of mother are you.  With a half dressed 2 year old on my hip, I ran out of the house to look for Grace who wasn't anywhere to be found.  So I headed down the road towards the scene of the accident and low and behold, there was Grace lying in the street, bicycle beside her with the remnants of the pickle jar all around her and several mothers hovering. 

When I arrived at the scene, I got these looks.  You know those looks.  The ones from the perfect mothers who don't allow their kids to ride bikes holding pickle jars.  Now, on my way to the scene, I was devising my plan of punishment for:

1.  Leaving the house without telling me, and

2.  Doing something as stupid as carrying a glass jar while riding her bike.

Well needless to say, once I saw all of those evil looks from all of those perfect moms, I changed my plan of action.  I quickly moved into "concerned caring mom mode".  I tossed the 2 year old in the closest yard in hopes that he would find some dirt to dig in or mulch to eat.  I knelt down to my injured daughter and while giving her a look that could curdle buttermilk, and in a voice soft yet loud enough for the perfect mothers to hear I asked if she was OK and made the caring statement that maybe we should head to the emergency room knowing all along that there were no plans to go to the ER. 

So Grace got up and I dusted her off.  We left her bike at the neighbor's house to be retrieved later, I scooped up my 2 year old who, by that time, wouldn't need dinner because he had filled up on mulch, and we limped back towards the house, only to hear one of the perfect moms yell to us, "I'll call later to see what the ER doctor said." 

Damn !

This is a true story.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Lisa